12/13/2020 Feel It All Around (Washed Out)

 Leifan’s hands held my face gingerly. He pressed his forehead against mine and matched my breath. I closed my eyes, trying to absorb his calm. He smelled like home, like pine trees and earth after a rainstorm. The more I focused on it, the less I could smell the iron tang of blood. 

“Keep your eyes closed,” he said gently. He took my hands, unbothered that they were slick with blood, and guided me through the room. We stepped carefully around the body and through the door of our cabin. He guided me across the field, telling me when to watch my step. His hands were strong and steady, his voice gentle and non judgemental.  

The sharp smell of manure hit me as we came up to the cow pen, and suddenly I was sitting on the ground. I jumped when cold water hit my hands, and realized that he was washing me. Washing away the evidence of what I had done. A tear ran down my cheek. And then another. Before I knew it, I was leaning my head against his shoulder bawling my eyes out. 

Leifan sat next to me and pulled me into his lap. His nose pressed into my hair against the side of my head, and he whispered to me gently. 

“You did what needed to be done. He would have gotten in the way.” 

I cracked my eyes open and pulled away to look at him. Normally I would be embarrassed that he was seeing me this way, dress ripped to shreds, face puffy and streaked with blood and tears. But he had already seen the worst of me, standing over his body, clutching the fire iron in a white knuckled fist. 

Leifan was staring at me, his eyes intense and flickering with emotion. I shook my head, he thought I had killed him for the Cause. True, he posed a risk for us. The King’s Men had begun watching him very closely. Eventually they would have come around asking questions, and he would’ve been too weak minded to keep the truth from them. But in the end, that’s not why I did it. 

“He drove my Mother away. It’s his fault she died,” I hissed angrily. Leifan’s eyes widened slightly, and shame filled me. But now that I started, I couldn’t stop. “He made her feel worthless. So worthless she thought we were better off without her. And then he started doing it to me, driving me away. He told me the world was better off without me, that all I am is a worthless whore who’ll end up as a sex slave for an Overseer.” My arms began to shake hard, and Leifan rested his hands on my shoulders, steadying me. “He said I would fetch a nice price in the Market. Maybe enough to make this month’s dues. And that’s when….that’s when I…” I stared down at my hands. The water from the cow’s trough had cleaned most of the blood away, but it was still under my nails. 

I felt Leifan’s fingers under my chin, and he tilted my head up to look at him. The look in his eyes was fiery. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss against my lips, softly. Tears filled my eyes again, but this time I kept a grip on myself. 

“You kissed me…?” I stared at him when he leaned back, and his face broke into a lopsided smile. 

“You have no idea how amazing you are,” his eyes crinkled slightly as he scanned me over, taking in my blood soaked dress. “Beautiful and fierce. So much potential trapped in the body of a simple farmer’s daughter. And now you’ve gotten rid of the only thing standing in your way.” His smile stretched into a grin, and my stomach fluttered as he gripped my hands. “You will be unstoppable.”